As I've discussed before, the baby aisles are fun to cruise through. I'm no baby expert, but I know what we'll need as soon as I see it in the store. So here are a few things we'll need in order to raise a smart, hard working, and well adjusted baby.
It's a well known fact that parents are crazy. Mine were... yours were too. And babies know this as soon as they get home from the hospital and their parents start making goofy faces at them. So the first thing they learn to do is walk, so they can eventually learn how to run away and be raised by wolves in the forest. So we'll need a Monkey Baby Leash. This serves two purposes... 1) It keeps the kid from seeking that loving wolf-family they are in search for, and 2) It teaches them how to deal with wearing all the ridiculous crap their parents will dress them in for the rest of their life.
This is a Baby Bjorn. There's an umlaut over the "o" of Bjorn, I just don't know how to add it. And because there's an umlaut in the name, it means it's foreign made. Wearing foreign-made stuff will instill a sense of worldliness in the baby, and will make it easier to learn how to speak foreign languages and cook exotic food. (My parents did not wear anything with umlauts in it, and I blame that for my poor performance in Spanish and German in high school.)
Ah yes, the toy lawnmower. Babies are much like bird dogs, and gun-shy bird dogs are worthless... much like lawnmower-shy babies. So you have to get them pushing around noisy lawnmowers at an early age. They will get used to the sound, and when they are about 3 they'll be ready to mow your lawn like a champ. Note: The toy lawnmower can be used along with the monkey baby leash, in case they try to make a break for it.
Babies are wily little creatures, and will run away at the most opportune times... like when their daddy is dropping a deuce. So that's why we'll need the Baby Keeper, an ingenious devise to keep the baby in place while we're getting some important reading done in the "library. " They probably won't be making a face like that, but you get the general idea...
These are just a few things, and I'm sure I'm missing a bunch. Any other suggestions?
6 days ago