I know we don't really know each other yet... I haven't named you, I don't have any furniture for you yet, and I haven't bought you any Superman pajamas (yes, complete with the cape). But I am working on it.
As you know, about a month ago I bought your mom (your current transport vehicle) a massage for Mother's Day. Hopefully it relaxed you as much as it did her. Well Father's Day is fast approaching, and now I need your help. I know technically I'm not a father yet, but I'm not about to tell a 7-month pregnant lady she's not a mother yet either... you think I have a death-wish?
Here's what I need from you...
1) First I need you to start playing xylophone on your mom's ribs, get the hiccups, trampoline on her bladder, or any other annoying (but not too painful) thing your little plum-sized brain can think of.
2) Get her to think the only thing that will relax you is a car ride. She's pretty smart, so she'll figure it out fast.
3) Next, guide her to any of the following stores: Home Depot; Lowe's; anywhere that sells raw beef in large quantities; Bass Pro Shops... you get the idea.
4) If she turns on the car to leave without buying anything, start jabbing again.
5) Guide her, using the "warmer-colder" jab method (you'll figure it out) until she leaves with a gift in her hand. And make sure it's a good gift too... nothing lame like a tie, a pen holder, or a John Mayer CD.
6) Go ahead and relax on the drive back. You'll be exhausted.
Thanks in advance. And if you pull this off, I'll make sure your mom takes you to The Wiggles concert for your 3rd birthday.
6 days ago